走出黑暗

I Have Hundreds of Souls Dancing Inside Me - 從誓不放手，到揮之不去

My mother was told me to look death in the face, to not be afraid of it.
If someone in the family was dying, she would drop everything to be there. And she would always take me.

The first time I saw someone die, I was only three-years-old. There've been many others since then, but this, the death of my uncle remains with me.

It was winter, I was at nursery building a castle with Lego, when my teacher told me I mom was outside. We got on a bus to the hospital, and on the way she told me, "It was time." That I need to see him so that his good soul passes on to mine.

I didn't say anything, I didn't understand. All my family were at the hospital. Sadness in their faces, I wanna go back to the nursery, finish my castle. Mom took my hands and she whispered, "Look straight into his eyes, if his eyes are closed, look at his face, do that and you will live a life without fear." But I froze. She said, "Come." And then I became hysterical, "What if he didn't look like uncle anymore?"

He didn't look different. He looked like he was sleeping. Yet tubes in his mouth and nose and a drip in his arm. At first I thought it was straws sucking the life out of him, but it was the other way round. They were keeping him alive.

Mom told me to move closer, hold his hand. So I did. Then something happened. He went into convulsions. I was scared, but I didn't let go. Everyone around me started to panic, but I didn't let go.

Then I remembered what mom said, "Look his face." And I looked, I wasn't scared anymore, he suddenly stop moving, his breathing became deep and heavier. A doctor came in to cut the tubes. My aunty started praying. But my uncle was still breathing, even without the tubes. And I watched, the signs of lives on his face. Then his eyes opened for a moment and he saw me. I smiled. He let out his last breath. And then he became still, right there, looking at me.

Everyone stopped, as if we were all suspended in time. Then I put his head down, turned, and walked away. Behind me I heard the prayers and tears start again. But I have done what I have to do.

I didn't realise at the time how much that day would affect the rest of my life. I found I need to be around death, and when I wasn't I didn't feel alive. I became an aid worker, and that is when I face real death.
 
Bloody, savage, death. The rest of my life I didn't feel alive.

I started to write a journal of my thoughts, I don't know if it was to forget or to remember of what I've seen.

I watched the British solider die from loosing too much blood. An Iraqi man was missing limb after a close bomb. An Afghan girl who lost part of her head after skipping over the mine field. I was seeing that woman died in a child birth and had her elderly mother who had lost her daughter. An American female solider damaged by shrapnel. Men and women caught in the crossfire and unwanted war.

After a few years I've seen so much death that the word itself became meaningless. Words became meaningless.

I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.
I have hundreds of souls dancing inside me.

And one day, I held a baby, a new born. I held her tiny hand and then looked into her eyes.

What do I do? I didn't know what to do.

My mother always told me, "look death in the face, don't be afraid of it."

But I was afraid, afraid of let go. So will she. So I didn't let go.
She closed her eyes. But I didn't let go.
She stop breathing. I didn't let go.
And the nurse put a sheet over her.

But I never let go.
I never let go.


只有在親手觸碰過死亡之後，才能真正感知生的意義。我曾經能夠直視死亡，無所畏懼。微笑，轉身，離開。因為那是在愛與禱告中盡力完成最後一次呼吸後的平靜句點。

但生死之間劃定定義的那條線，卻並不固定。有時它是一個突然中斷的未完成的筆觸，是一個被撕裂的破碎的表達。

曾經越接近死亡就越能感受到生命的存在，但自此之後，我好像永遠走不出死亡籠罩下的無盡黑暗。千百個靈魂在我體內起舞，他們應當被銘記，我卻總是想忘記。I didn't let go. I never let go. 從誓不放手，到無法驅散。